sabotage

I'm sick of self-sabotaging myself. I always end up depressed because I'm bored and I have nothing to do, and I don't try anything to lift my mood. I then end up emotional and upset. As much as I hate to admit it Gorcin's right, I do this to myself, I have the power to control my emotions and I choose not to, instead I let myself spiral downwards. I'm so sick of it! and I'm annoyed that I'm so pathetic as to let myself get this way. I have so much going for me, and once again I fail to realise what I have and I focus way too much on what I don't. I'm putting an end to it. I'm not going to let this happen anymore. I'm so blessed to have the life that I have, and the freedoms I have. I'm not going to be that whiny first world girl complaining about her life. I want to be passionate and motivated! Loving life and doing anything and everything I can to live life to the fullest. I want so much for myself, and I'm the only one standing in my own way.

london

So, I got into Saint Mary's in London! Semester one is over, and after exams I have three months to work my ass off and then I'm off. I'm ridiculously excited, it's half sunk in that I'm going and the other half is just going to go crazy. So far I've done about zero planning except accommodation and my Marina and the Diamonds tickets. London is one of those places I have always wanted to visit, and living there on a university campus is going to be an absolutely amazing experience. 

The only downside is of course leaving everyone and everything behind, and I only know one person in London. And for some reason everyone either thinks I'm going to cheat on my boyfriend or break up with him because I'm going away for three months. The automatic response after I've told people I'm leaving is 'What about your boyfriend?'. I don't really understand it to be honest, in our society is it a semi-acceptable thing to just go overseers and forget about your boyfriend. It's quite puzzling and extremely frustrating that people think its going to affect us somehow, or that one of us will cheat. Quite sad in the end that relationships don't mean much anymore. 

More positively my boyfriend is amazing and is happy for me and oh so supportive. I won the jackpot with him.

 

epl

Sometimes I feel so lost. I feel incapable of everything and wonder how I will achieve the dreams I have. Will I be brave or have enough courage to travel and see what I want to see. Will I be good or interesting enough to be a successful writer. I close up and believe that these things are impossible, stuff that only occurs in movies. I question what I'm doing and whether I will ever get where I want to go. Life is about mistakes and wrong decisions, and I guess I have to believe that if I want it bad enough than I can have it. And being scared of something or not doing something because of the consequences would not really be living would it. To get to something good we have to go through something bad, a challenge.

new year

I know, how incredibly cliché of me to write a new year post. To be honest I like the idea of reflecting on the past year and creating goals for the next one. My year has been insane, I completed my first year of uni and discovered what it is I want do with my life, which is journalism, writing whatever you want to call it. I spent the year with the most amazing guy I've ever met/imagined/dreamed of etc. I really am very lucky to have him. I dyed my hair pink! something I have always wanted to do since my sister dyed her tips pink ala Hannah from S Club 7. I met amazing people and some other not so amazing people. I created the room of my dreams. It was a pretty amazing year.

For next year I tried to narrow my resolutions to five, because I had a couple hundred on my mind.

1. Get a new job - I have been working at Gone Bazzar for four years now and it has been a great first job, I was extremely lucky to get the position as my first job. I've learnt so much and had so many laughs but it's time for a change. 
2. Appreciate what I have and be positive - To be honest I can be pretty selfish, and I complain a lot about what I 'need' and what I don't have and I don't take in what I do have. Nobody likes a negative bitch.
3. Be happy - I freak out a lot and make situations bigger than they are/need to be. I just need to calm down and live in the moment.
4. Have fun- I turned 18 this year and I have been so lame, and have done absolutely nothing (one night out), this year I want to do more and do things I haven't before. Life is all about risk and trying new things.
5. Live. - Self explanatory.

more

I want to be more adventurous, more talkative, friendlier, easier to approach. I want to have fun and live more in the moment, just accept things for what they are and live life to the fullest as cliché as that sounds. I just want more out of life, more confidence, healthier eating habits, to be happier. I want so many things but I don't accept what I have now or do anything to achieve what I want out of life, it's like I'm scared of having too much fun. What the hell is wrong with me?

deflectors

Conflict is prone to happen, right? With the amount of personalities in the world people are bound to clash. The traditional story narrative follows a  beginning, conflict, resolution, then the story ends. But not everyone follows this, life is not a procedure or a routine and things don't always go to plan. Some people avoid conflict, they can't handle it, even to the point of leaving things unresolved and just pretending it never happened. Frankly, I'm so sick of this, I have dealt with so many people who can't handle any conflict. I don't like conflict, but I hate when things are unresolved. If things are unresolved they just stir under the surface they can't go away without dealing with it. It can ruin friendships, and how can a friendship survive when you can't even overcome a minor conflict. It's frustrating when good friendships end because someone can't handle simply talking about something.

one down

I have completed my first year at uni, how the hell did that happen?

It has been such a roller coaster ride, and at the beginning I didn't really know what I was doing at uni, but now I know what I want to do and it just makes everything so much easier. I just can't believe how fast it's gone, it's utterly ridiculous.

I hated semester one. I hated the uncertainty of it and not knowing what I was doing. I just felt like I didn't belong, and I really thought about whether uni was the right place for me. It didn't help that all I was doing was foundation units and I hadn't actually done anything in relation to my course. But I had to stick with it otherwise that whole year doing TEE and WACE was pointless, and I did not go through all of that for nothing. When semester two came around everything fell into place. I knew what I was doing and I knew people, and it was just easier. Not to mention my courses were much more interesting despite having to take Philosophy and Ethics in the same semester. I applied for study abroad as well, I have always wanted to do it and meeting people that were studying abroad it just made me want to do it even more. After a lot of drama I applied for St.Mary's College in London, which I'm incredibly excited about. I won't know for a couple of months though. Overall I know now that uni isn't always going to be fun and good times, but I know after this year that it is where I want to be and that makes it worth it.