more

I want to be more adventurous, more talkative, friendlier, easier to approach. I want to have fun and live more in the moment, just accept things for what they are and live life to the fullest as cliché as that sounds. I just want more out of life, more confidence, healthier eating habits, to be happier. I want so many things but I don't accept what I have now or do anything to achieve what I want out of life, it's like I'm scared of having too much fun. What the hell is wrong with me?

deflectors

Conflict is prone to happen, right? With the amount of personalities in the world people are bound to clash. The traditional story narrative follows a  beginning, conflict, resolution, then the story ends. But not everyone follows this, life is not a procedure or a routine and things don't always go to plan. Some people avoid conflict, they can't handle it, even to the point of leaving things unresolved and just pretending it never happened. Frankly, I'm so sick of this, I have dealt with so many people who can't handle any conflict. I don't like conflict, but I hate when things are unresolved. If things are unresolved they just stir under the surface they can't go away without dealing with it. It can ruin friendships, and how can a friendship survive when you can't even overcome a minor conflict. It's frustrating when good friendships end because someone can't handle simply talking about something.

one down

I have completed my first year at uni, how the hell did that happen?

It has been such a roller coaster ride, and at the beginning I didn't really know what I was doing at uni, but now I know what I want to do and it just makes everything so much easier. I just can't believe how fast it's gone, it's utterly ridiculous.

I hated semester one. I hated the uncertainty of it and not knowing what I was doing. I just felt like I didn't belong, and I really thought about whether uni was the right place for me. It didn't help that all I was doing was foundation units and I hadn't actually done anything in relation to my course. But I had to stick with it otherwise that whole year doing TEE and WACE was pointless, and I did not go through all of that for nothing. When semester two came around everything fell into place. I knew what I was doing and I knew people, and it was just easier. Not to mention my courses were much more interesting despite having to take Philosophy and Ethics in the same semester. I applied for study abroad as well, I have always wanted to do it and meeting people that were studying abroad it just made me want to do it even more. After a lot of drama I applied for St.Mary's College in London, which I'm incredibly excited about. I won't know for a couple of months though. Overall I know now that uni isn't always going to be fun and good times, but I know after this year that it is where I want to be and that makes it worth it.

outsiders dilemma

I try to hard. It's so irritating, because I don't mean to I just retreat to a default setting that forces me to try so hard for everything. I don't know why, I just feel like maybe people won't like my pink hair, or the way I dress or the way I am. So to compensate I try so hard to be friends with people. Usually I focus on one person in a tutorial that I had a five second conversation with once. But then after class I will just think, are they sitting and talking to me because they want to be or because I practically force it on them. It's a vicious cycle and I don't know how to make it stop. I need confidence. I know it's the solution to all my problems. Saying it is one thing though, but how does one actually gain confidence. I wouldn't know and I don't understand it. How do you just stop being insecure about yourself and be happy with who you are. Apparently it takes time, one of those things you work on one step at a time. I don't want to wait though, this is supposed to be the best time of my life. Yet I spend about half an hour longer than necessary to get ready in the morning because I analyse my outfit so carefully I second guess what I picked and begin undermining myself so much I make myself believe my day is ruined because I don't look put together enough or fashionable enough. It's exhausting. I just wish I could live without my insecurities. Then again doesn't everyone.

cracks in the mirror

Friendships are such fragile things. One day they're going wonderfully, the next day feelings are forgotten, lost, or broken by meaningless events. We put so much effort into our friendships with others, yet small problems and issues easily destroy them. Or the people involved simply change, as we all do every now and again, and then the person you were friends with doesn't exist anymore. Why is it that friendships even break? we had the we'll-be-friends-forever speech, and the we're-going-to-live-together speech, all of that stuff. Yet i know things aren't the same, we act as if everything is okay but an awkward sense of formality exists and we ignore it. It's sad because nothing really happened, no big fall out with harsh bitchy words said. I just changed and grew as a person and she didn't, and i don't feel the same closeness as I once did. I wish there was a big fallout that way I could just hate you and it would be over with. But of course it is more complicated than that, we now have the awkward stage of keeping up the we're-best-friends routine when we both know its not true. Where we go from here is such an empty promise question. We're just too different from our high school selves. The sad part about it all is we spent so much time keeping up this facade and neither one of us has the balls to break it.

fuzzy events and clear embarrassment

Alcohol. What a sticky subject, so easily taken as something bad, a reckless hobby to take part in. The more reckless part about it is quantity, and actions you forget by morning or become completely fuzzy on. Drinking is not something I personally have much experience in, but in my first major experience I saw the good and the bad. Everyone has insecurities right? and alcohol for some may be a way to get rid of them. This is when things get dangerous, add in a longing to fit in, some peer pressure and you have yourself a vomiting fest. That is exactly what I was in the middle of.

It all started with green apple Smirnoff ,about six or seven shots of that, some Jack Daniels and other things and then there was vomit in a bowl, some on the carpet, the couch, all concluding with the grass drenched in it. It all happened so quickly. Meanwhile I had three shots and half a cruiser and I was drunk or tipsy, whichever. I was incredibly happy and falling all over the place but I don't have good balance sobre. I was so astounded at the rapid nature of it all and questioned by why someone would wish this upon themselves, or be so reckless to drink so much that they become vegetables or hysterical puking machines.

I was hugging people, having very animated conversations, cleaning whilst listening to the Spice Girls (dancing along like a pro of course) and sitting next to one of my best friends while she vomited her guts out. I was confident, but not in a I'm-so-in-love-with-myself way, in a I'm-going-to-do-what-I-want-and-I-don't-give-a-shit-what-you-think way. I told a girl she was a skinny bitch and I hated her because she makes me feel like a fat ass, I don't think she got the joke in it. It was fabulous, I was like a version of myself I wish I could be sobre. At the same time, the head ache wasn't pretty and neither was the after taste.

It was such an interesting experience watching everyone literally puke their guts out, and at the same time saying things they never thought they would have said out loud, revealing insecurities tied down so deep they never thought they could surface. Alcohol, as fun as it may be by bringing people together with wonderful conversation and unexpected behaviour, can't be used to forget things we don't want to feel. Alcohol is powerful but memories return and sobre people retell the tale and all that happens then is an overwhelming sense of embarrassment and an urge to curl into a ball and die. I had a wonderful time being dizzy and speaking my mind, but the pukers have vowed never to drink again. Looking back on the eventful night it was, I feel bad for those who vomited all over themselves. It becomes so obvious why they were drinking, and it's sad that they felt they had to drink their problems away. I'm having my own personal conflict over this, I mean do the pros outweigh the cons or is drinking just like many other high school experiences extremely overrated.