outsiders dilemma

I try to hard. It's so irritating, because I don't mean to I just retreat to a default setting that forces me to try so hard for everything. I don't know why, I just feel like maybe people won't like my pink hair, or the way I dress or the way I am. So to compensate I try so hard to be friends with people. Usually I focus on one person in a tutorial that I had a five second conversation with once. But then after class I will just think, are they sitting and talking to me because they want to be or because I practically force it on them. It's a vicious cycle and I don't know how to make it stop. I need confidence. I know it's the solution to all my problems. Saying it is one thing though, but how does one actually gain confidence. I wouldn't know and I don't understand it. How do you just stop being insecure about yourself and be happy with who you are. Apparently it takes time, one of those things you work on one step at a time. I don't want to wait though, this is supposed to be the best time of my life. Yet I spend about half an hour longer than necessary to get ready in the morning because I analyse my outfit so carefully I second guess what I picked and begin undermining myself so much I make myself believe my day is ruined because I don't look put together enough or fashionable enough. It's exhausting. I just wish I could live without my insecurities. Then again doesn't everyone.

cracks in the mirror

Friendships are such fragile things. One day they're going wonderfully, the next day feelings are forgotten, lost, or broken by meaningless events. We put so much effort into our friendships with others, yet small problems and issues easily destroy them. Or the people involved simply change, as we all do every now and again, and then the person you were friends with doesn't exist anymore. Why is it that friendships even break? we had the we'll-be-friends-forever speech, and the we're-going-to-live-together speech, all of that stuff. Yet i know things aren't the same, we act as if everything is okay but an awkward sense of formality exists and we ignore it. It's sad because nothing really happened, no big fall out with harsh bitchy words said. I just changed and grew as a person and she didn't, and i don't feel the same closeness as I once did. I wish there was a big fallout that way I could just hate you and it would be over with. But of course it is more complicated than that, we now have the awkward stage of keeping up the we're-best-friends routine when we both know its not true. Where we go from here is such an empty promise question. We're just too different from our high school selves. The sad part about it all is we spent so much time keeping up this facade and neither one of us has the balls to break it.